Freedom means freedom to drift and change (life updates, some changes of status, and ruminating on highly personal matters)

(Maenad's note:  This is more of a traditional blog post and, tbh, doesn't have shit to do with my writing.  So if that is your only interest you can safely ignore this.  Thanks!  Potential employers, this gets hella personal so don't read if you can't keep things distinct, umkay?  I did however mean what I said abotut being an open book.  Proceed at caution okay?)  

Weird facts about my recovery from surgery…and my recovery from the  the people that I have wasted the best years of my life[1] on.  

(Fuck them with a rusty spork covered in shit and dew.)

 

• 1.       I no longer drink coffee every day. I do drink coffee, and while I technically can pro’lly start drinking it ‘normally’ I am now in the habit of having it every few days and cold over ice.  I do not see a reason to change this for the foreseeable 

• 2.      I have (obviously) stopped smoking pot.   I did so again the other night since the doc cleared me to do so….and I think I’m good.  While I will _never_ be a teetotaler of any kind, I am choosing an extended period of sobriety for a lot of reasons but the big one being that reaching for the (most recently) pot to help get through these horrible isolation patches (aka 2013-2022) is that, bluntly, it helped the last four years happen. It enabled that A LOT 

• 3.      Increasingly I feel a drift, some of it internal and – honestly – some of it adapting to long term shitty circumstances.   Is there a difference?  Do I care? So henceforth I am identifying my gender presentation and sexual orientation as

Enby femme pansexual/aromantic

The NB thing is not new, just making if formal. Gender is and has always been STUPID. (For those who may be unclear on this, this doesn’t’ change anything about my transness, just my gender presentation.   (I do remember that this is all very complicated for some of you.  I try to anyway.  For me it’s breathing.)    Though, again, I’m not changing that, just acknowledging a drift now that it isn’t threatening anyone.  I included, in some sense.   Unclenching is good for the soul. 

     The latter change I mentioned is a change and is much more of a (savage) shift, but it is - at       least for now – both where I’m at and a very necessary space for me to be in.  

I’ll fuck you, we can be friends, but I’m not interested in a ‘relationship’ with you…or anyone else. Quite possibly ever again. Just…no.

No.

NO.

Go away we don’t want any.   Keep your tidy little heterosexual interaction model to yourself. EW. 

In 30 years I have found it most (always) to be entirely Too much fucking bullshit for very        very VERY little benefit.

In the end, Not a One has been worthy of my secret insides, all anyone does is trash the place and leave, so no. Fuck that. Keep it friendly or I'll charge admission. 

Besides, outside of cash flow, I have not experienced physical/chemical attraction to almost _anyone_ in about two years.  I feel strongly that this is a factor/side effect of my no-longer extent relationship situation, but time will tell.  TBH I suspect it’s just an especialy sharp kind of burnout. 

 Freedom means freedom to drift and change.   And I am free of the static bubble that I have been trapped in since at least 2015.  Even with all that could go wrong, I am excited for my future again.  MY future. Not someone else’s.   The goal I have sought perhaps longer than most of you have known me is within my reach. 

Full and Complete Autonomy.   Accept no substitutes.

[1] Nah, I’m just getting started. But that is how it felt until I shed the heavy encumbering restrictive cloak of living as a member of my former household.   IT stung for a while, but I refuse to let myself be defined by this. I am better than that.   The best, as they say, is yet to come.  BUT I’m FUCKING GETTING THERE Y’ALL on.